Miss Alice Lovelady's First Omnibus of her Inexplicable Adventures Read online

  Sir Percival was slowly stirring on the floor. I was unutterably glad he’d not turned to dust in the bright sunlight.

  “Miss Lovelady?” he said groggily.

  “Yes?”

  “Why are we still alive?”

  “Fortitude, Sir Percival. Fortitude.”

  “Ah.”

  Seven

  Even though the vampires were smoke blowing behind the airship we still had the airship crew after us. Several of whom were apparently attempting to gain entry through the coke-sack covered hatch. Luckily no shots had been fired – they seemed aware of the danger of the explosive aether. Just to be on the safe side I hefted a further bag on top of those already holding the entrance hatch down.

  Sir Percival sat up on the floor and cast his eyes to the mysterious white box.

  “If there were some way to discern its secrets or take it with us…” he mused to himself.

  I went and sat on the floor next to him enjoying the lack of imminent death, the solid metal beneath me, and the bright sunlight on my face.

  “We happen to be inside a workshop, Sir Percival.”

  It was like throwing a firecracker into a bonfire as he leapt up and rushed over to the other end of the room into the workshop area. Quickly he scanned the available tools and then spied the shattered sapphire on the workbench.

  His bushy white eyebrows climbed up so far that they hid under his correspondingly white hair. He looked over at me, a question seemed to be burning its way out through his brain.

  Before he could say anything I cut him off with, “It was for our own safety and that of Her Majesty. And that’s all I’ll say upon the matter.”

  I could see further questions forming up like waves ready to break upon a beach, but I turned away and found a comfy bag of coke to lean back against.

  Waving my hand tiredly at the white box I said, “Strange aether machine.”

  He took my hint and soon the sounds of tools being put to use lulled me to sleep.

  Eight

  A hand shook me from a dream of kissing Katherine, her soft lips tasting of the juicy apple we shared. Blearily I looked up and, for the second time that day, my heart burst into a sprint as a monster looked down at me.

  My eyes got accustomed to the light and I realised it was just Sir Percival, his eyes covered by brass goggles.

  “Time to go, Miss Lovelady.”

  A strong feeling of déjà vu swept over me.

  I swallowed to wet my dry throat, “Not before time, Sir Percival.”

  He helped me to my feet. Sunlight was still coming through the skylight that seemed to have a much larger hole in it. Leaning against the wall leading up to it was a ladder, which I had a very bad feeling about.

  Surreptitiously I glanced around the engine room for any undead vampire remains, and breathed a sigh of relief in the cold air at not seeing any.

  As we were singularly not surrounded by Russian crewmen I assumed that they’d decided to just leave us here and capture us when the airship landed.

  This appeared to be quite a boon as Sir Percival had certainly been busy while I snatched a well-earned forty-winks to recover from my vampire slaying antics.

  The large white box was no more; instead large pieces of the white material that contained the aether-generating device were propped up against the walls of the room.

  “How does it work, Sir Percival?” I said, looking at the strange metal and glass structure that used to be hidden within the white box.

  “As yet I’m not sure, but felt that I wouldn’t be able to complete my examination in the time permitted.”

  He still didn’t know? But what were we going to do? Then I spied something that made my stomach sink.

  Sir Percival noticed where I was looking and smiled happily at me. “You like it?”

  “No, Sir Percival, I don’t. It is untested and singularly dangerous.”

  Propped against the wall was a large metal and canvas contraption in the shape of a filled V. Strapped in with torn pieces of canvas was a misshapen lump the size of a bedside cabinet.

  The flying V was something Sir Percival’s mind played with in the laboratory. Several times when we were between aetheric experiments I’d found paper darts scattered around the laboratory floor. It appeared that Sir Percival had now constructed a very large one in the hope it would aid our escape. Perhaps his hair served as an ant-like antenna for receiving insane idea pheromones, or perhaps I was still a bit tired.

  “I’ve created harnesses for both of us and taken what I believe is the heart of the device and strapped it in. I hope it’ll be safe,” he added musingly, looking at the lump.

  But what about me? Didn’t I deserve to be safe?

  “Oh, and I’ve set the steam engine to explode in five minutes.”

  “WHAT?”

  “I felt it best if we cover our tracks. Here,” he handed me a golf ball sized piece of the sapphire I’d smashed earlier. “You seemed most adamant to see it.”

  “But where’s the rest of it?”

  He nodded towards the steam engine’s firebox.

  I’d killed two vampires who happened to be members of the Russian royal family and he’d thrown a fortune’s worth of sapphire into a steam engine’s firebox and then set it to explode to ‘cover our tracks’. The sooner our visit ended the better.

  “Time, Miss Lovelady.”

  I couldn’t agree more.

  Quickly I secured the sapphire fragment in a pocket and girded my loins to brave the heights. I’d done it before, I could do it again. Although my trusty umbrella was no more at least this time there was more of a plan than jumping and hoping (although not by much).

  We hefted the flying V up the ladder and out onto the skylight. The cold wind blew the last vestiges of my forty-winks away. Fear hit me again as the London skyline surrounded us and I noticed Buckingham Palace in the distance. I hoped I’d done enough to save Her Majesty.

  We stood on the skylight and Sir Percival held the flying V up. My heart was in my mouth as I arranged my skirt around my legs so I’d fit in Sir Percival’s idea of a harness. With more than enough ankle showing I quickly secured myself in as best I could and hoped my tucked-up skirt wouldn’t be a hindrance. I was between the devil and the deep blue sea – I had no wish to experience what an exploding steam engine (with the aether most likely to go up as well) felt like, but to escape it I had to trust a foolhardy flight of fancy! When I was almost finished he quickly strapped himself in next to me. Behind us was the important part of the aether device.

  He lifted up the flying V and shuffled round (forcing me to grab the metal struts closest to me and move round as well) so that we faced to the side of the airship; ‘starboard’ I believe would be the ship term.

  With a quick glance down into the engine room and then at myself he burst into a run towards the edge of the skylight making me follow suit or we’d bring ourselves crashing down. Before our feet left the edge of the skylight and met the canvas of the sausage-shaped balloon he jumped.

  I cried out as my feet once again dangled in open air. Just as I felt we were going to fall back to land on the canvas balloon the world exploded behind us.

  Nine

  The loudest noise I’d ever heard deafened me and combined with a giant hand which thrust us into the air making the craft tumble around like a leaf in a hurricane. I think I screamed but couldn’t hear anything. Then a wave of heat and shrapnel pelted us. As if things couldn’t get worse, startled birds flew into our haphazard path and deposited noxious loads upon us in their fright.

  Sir Percival struggled to control the flying V by means of ropes attached to flaps on the canvas above us and just as I thought he’d got the hang of it the aether exploded.

  I was upside down at the time and facing backwards. The bizarre sight of a purple fireball entirely too close for comfort heading down towards my feet filled my vision. Then the shockwave hit and things went even more strange. And I think I was sick. Either that or I fai
led to see a really large bird do its unmentionables on me.

  While I was I still in some sort of daze London’s skyline steadied itself and the flying V swept above houses and surprised onlookers. I had no idea where Sir Percival was aiming for, or even if he was aiming for anything at all.

  I glanced behind us and saw the purple fireball rising into the sky.

  That looked like curtains for the Liaison.

  Something whipped at my ankles and I looked down to see we were now flying above treetops. Ahead was a wide area of grass. Sir Percival next to me wore his determined look. This was it then. We’d made it off the Russian state airship (destroying it in the process) and were going to come to ground in a park, with probable serious injuries to contend with. Unbidden, thoughts of Katherine came to mind, and I felt rather glad that she hadn’t had to go through all of this. What would she have made of it all? Would I have been able to save her from the vampires? And would my umbrella have coped with three of us hanging from it?

  The ground came closer and closer. Pedestrians screamed and ran out of our way.

  “Get ready to run,” Sir Percival said in a determined voice.

  Whether it was directed at me or a group of lollygagging strollers I wasn’t sure.

  He pulled at the flaps to try and stall our speed. The front of the flying V lifted up like a bird coming in to land, then his feet touched down and he grunted with the strain of preventing us from disastrously crashing to the grass. My feet then felt terra firma and I knew what he had just felt. My legs did their best not to collapse but were unable to cope with the speed and mass, and the flying V tipped forwards and impaled itself into the turf.

  Severely shaken I mentally examined my body for any excruciating pain, but found nothing but strained muscles.

  We’d done enough to crash safely.

  Even though I was upside down I took a deep breath to calm my thundering heart and was unutterably glad to be on the ground again. If I was able to extricate myself I’d kneel on the grass and kiss it like a long-lost friend, similar to what I hear the Pontiff sometimes does on his overseas trips. As it was I heard several observers of our escapade hurry over to us ready to find out what on earth we were up to, and realised my dress was in a rather unladylike mess. Quickly I released my grips from the metal struts and fumbled at the harness – I had no wish for strangers to have an unobstructed view of my underthings.

  But, I was alive and that was all that mattered. Oh, and judging by the terse mutterings coming from beside me, Sir Percival was as well.

  Ten

  We decided the best thing to do was to put the aether device into safe keeping and find out what happened to the Liaison. To this end we took the flying V apart with some tools Sir Percival purloined from the airship for this very purpose. Remarkably, even with partly wiped-off bird droppings (and other stains) on us, we managed to persuade a steam cab to take the flying V, the well-covered lumpy device, and us, to a rather non-descript house on Magpie Street.

  While the cabbie waited we headed inside to accost the receptionist, Mr Twocock. As ever his dark hair was perfectly combed and his dark wool suit and white shirt immaculately tailored. He sat behind a large walnut desk with buff folders awaiting his attention, an array of fountain pens awaiting his use, and a hat stand with a black bowler and a grey coat hanging from it. On the wall to his side were several bell pulls that summoned other staff members. When I’d been interviewed for the post of Sir Percival’s assistant he used one to summon a grey, dusty old man who’d asked me the most impertinent questions.

  The green-wallpapered room had a couple of expensive-looking landscapes on the walls and four closed doors leading further into the building. I’d only ever been permitted behind one, and had no idea what lay beyond any of the others, or even how large the interior of the Department was.

  A mix of confusion at seeing us and disgust at our state was writ large upon his smooth, shiny face. I knew he was mentally cataloguing the smallest detail of our dirty, dusty, wind-blown selves.

  “Sir Percival, Miss Lovelady, delighted to see you again. Um, is the er… Liaison, not accompanying you?”

  I shared a glance with Sir Percival.

  “We seem to have become separated,” Sir Percival replied.

  I felt it usually best to leave Mr Twocock to Sir Percival as they seemed to be Birds of a Feather, as it were.

  “Oh?”

  I could see him mentally make a note to pass to his superiors concerning the matter.

  “Yes, were on our way to see if we can locate him but need to temporarily store some items here first.”

  “And how was your visit to the Russian state airship?”

  “Um, oh fine… fine.”

  He smiled at Sir Percival to begin the process of wheedling the truth from him. I wanted to avoid giving him any information at all, and also I wanted to get back to Katherine. So I butted into their politeness with, “We’ll bring it in, you tell us where to put it for safe keeping and we’ll be back when we determine the Liaison’s whereabouts.” For all we knew he was spread over central London.

  “Is it dangerous?”

  Sir Percival and I shared another look.

  “Possibly.”

  He turned to the bell pulls and, without looking, pulled the one to the far left. I heard no sound but knew that somewhere, deep within the building a bell had just sounded to summon someone. I bet it wouldn’t be the grey man again.

  He rose smoothly from behind the walnut desk and walked past us in a cloud of gentleman’s scent to open the front door, making sure not to accidentally brush against us and dirty his own clothing.

  Regarding the steam cab he said, “You seem to have left Wilkins behind as well.”

  How much did we dare tell him?

  Sir Percival took the easy option and said, “Yes.”

  “Then it’s just as well he came here.”

  “He’s here?” I blurted out.

  He smoothly turned to me. “Yes, Miss Lovelady. Do you wish to partake of his services?”

  “Please.”

  The cabbie we’d had to borrow was fine as far as he went. But what I was really after was Mrs Miggins’ hamper under the seat. I was utterly famished!

  Mr Twocock moved on with “How large are the items, Sir Percival?”

  Sir Percival did things with his arms to demonstrate and Mr Twocock said over his shoulder, “Room two, and let Wilkins know he’s required, Jenkins.”

  Startled, I turned to see the possible twin of the Liaison behind us, though he was much wider, had hair, and wore a black suit. How such a large gentleman got there without me hearing him was quite unnerving.

  Jenkins politely nodded at us, squeezed through the doorway and headed down the steps to the cab. Opening the door he reached in, slid the misshapen device out and carried it up the stairs. I made sure to stand well clear as he passed us and walked through the open door he’d entered from. After placing the device somewhere he repeated the process with the deconstructed flying V.

  “They shall be available for when you get back, Sir Percival. Miss Lovelady,” Mr Twocock smoothly advised us.

  I joined Sir Percival in exiting the building. I could have waited inside but always felt peculiarly ‘lubricated’ after dealing with Mr Twocock. While Sir Percival paid the cabbie I enjoyed the feeling of firm ground under my feet waiting for Wilkins, and the hamper, to arrive.

  Shortly the same cab we’d left in so very early that morning drove round the corner and up to us. My heart lifted at seeing the familiar face of Wilkins in the driving seat, and nearly exploded at seeing the hamper untouched under the rear seat.

  Eleven

  The steam cab headed towards the cloud of smoke rising high into the sky. What would we find? What would the Department do if the Liaison was dead? Give us someone even sneakier? In this case it really was ‘the Devil you know’ being better than a new one. And would Sir Percival leave enough cheese sandwiches for me? These, and many other tho
ughts, crossed my mind as we drew closer.

  Similarly to this morning, pedestrians seemed to be gravitating to where we were heading. After a short time the cab had to slow down to avoid hitting people.

  A hatch opened and Wilkins looked in at us. Luckily we were between bites. “Can’t go no further, Guv. Miss. You wanna get out here?”

  The crowds of spectators we saw through the windows made it obvious we were as far as we could get by cab. We exited and accompanied the crowds in their excited trek. We couldn’t help overhearing hearsay and rumour concerning what had happened. Apparently the airship either blew up by itself – possibly some aether miscalculation, or the Russians had done it themselves to discredit Queen Victoria, or some madman had his hand in it. I listened in vain for someone mentioning vampires, or two people escaping from it in a foolhardy exploit. Apparently there were survivors though. I hoped the Liaison would be one of them.

  “Miss Lovelady?”

  “Yes, Sir Percival?”

  “Did your er… Miss Katherine give a reason for being in London?”

  What was he talking about? I’d left Katherine back in bed. Somewhere I was most eager to discover her when we finally got back from this misadventure. Perhaps she could also aid me with a most thorough bath beforehand?

  “Why do you ask?”

  “She’s just entered the shop over there.”

  He pointed towards a haberdashery to our left. Was he sure it was her? I knew his eyesight was excellent and, although his mind did gloss over the fact that Katherine and I were female, he did manage to differentiate between us. Should I go over there and say hello or continue on and discover if the Liaison was still alive?

  Sir Percival caught my torn look.

  “I know you and she have er… things to talk about. I shall continue on to see if the Liaison is still in the land of the living.”